John Mulaney Quotes

Being President Looks Like

Being president looks like the worst job in the world.

People having expectations maybe means they’ve enjoyed what I’ve done.

I look back on being 17 and think, ‘Oh my God, how did I not die?’

I have tons of jokes with moments in them over the years in stand-up that don’t get a laugh but I love them so they stay.

Things have to be funny first, and if they want to have a point, that’s awesome.

In terms of like, instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.

If you’re comparing the badness of two words and you won’t even say one of them [the n-word], that’s the worse word.

I don’t make plans anymore. So I’m not living minute to minute.

Everyone’s very relaxed about brand names in television.

I have a lot of stories about being a kid because it was the last time I was interesting.